The Alucard Diaries
by Spideyfightstitans
Summary: The secrets to Alucards personal life are revealed when Integra discovers the vampires diary. Unspeakable things can happen on an enthusiastic walk. Based on Team Four Star's Hellsing Ultimate Abridged.
1. Chapter 1

It was another day in the Hellsing household.

I, Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing had recently sent the guard dog on a lead to Brazil. Aside from my butler and a few new recruits, the mansion was empty.

Alucard was always a terribly difficult creature to deal with. Though the agreements under my family name bound him to the household he was one with a terrible knack for, let's say breaking the rules. I could almost hear his voice taunting me now, "Oh what are you gunna do, grab that guy who can stop me? Michael McDoesntexist."

In light of his recent departure it seemed dearly appropriate to search his room for any leverage I may weigh in on in the future. His room was trashed, to put it lightly. Walking about the place was like shifting through a maze. Sweet Tarts littered the floor along with boxes upon boxes of other unconsumed goods. This was but one of the problems I had yet to properly deal with.

"But you're a vampire, what could you possibly want with 600 bags of Sweet Tarts!" I had said. The vampire proceeded to flick one of the small candies between his fingers and smacking it straight into my forehead. An audible "smack" could be heard from the inhuman strength he had put into the puck shaped snack.

"HaHaHaHaHa" the vampiric asshole laughed.

"I will have none of this nonsense! I did not come here to be chaffed with!" I yelled.

"Oh my God! You should have seen you're face!" Alucard laughed. "There's such a bright mark right where it hit!" I left the room without a word. I had learned better than to try approaching him in his room that day. Perhaps he just needed his space. Though I could not help but hear the vampire continue on his jest as I walked away, "Hey Policegirl get over here!" he said. The poor girl.

So here I was in a desperate attempt to find anything I could use to gain leverage upon the bastard. After shuffling through endless CD's, Porn magazines, and a copy of "Boondock Saint's" I finally found something of interest. It was a small book with black leather binding, lacking in any sort of title or cover apart from a strange design. I opened the first page and read:

 _I went to fill up the gas in my car, and I left it running because "fuck da rules I'm immortal", and this red head shit wanted me to give him money so I could take the gas off his hands. Like I'm doing you a service! Why should I pay to take your shit?! Needless to say his blood now gets me an extra 20 miles per gallon!_

How curious, could it be that the man in red had been keeping a diary this whole time? The notes weren't dated but the pages continued:

 _Well, it all started at the orphanage. Lady Sally wouldn't give me the cookie I rightfully deserved for breaking the record for most concussions given in a single recess. It was then that I grew my taste for human flesh. She wouldn't let go of the cookie, so I was forced to eat her hand. It was better than the cookie. Nice and warm, with slightly sour blood oozing from the fingers. The kids slowly pulled their hands behind their backs_

This man was truly a plight upon the world, though the contents of this diary were of an interest to myself. I pocketed the book and ran upstairs to continue reading.

To be continued…


	2. Chapter 2

After a long day of sifting through emails I had finally paced up the stairs to take ease in my quarters. It was a peculiar feeling as I felt my muscles relax and allowed a large huff of air escape my lungs. I could hear the creak of the door opening, unaccompanied by the usual tension brought by a certain immortal skumbag; there was only one person it could be.

"It certainly is quiet with him gone" The butler spoke.

"What do you want, Walter. I'm tuning out for the day."

"Some of the mercenaries would like to go into town tonight. I wouldn't typically impend such a simple request, although I wanted to check in light of your….how shall I put it, day off?"

Integra smiled at that last comment. "Tell them to stay inside and keep quiet, their dicks won't fall off from one night without alcohol." Those mercenaries weren't going to ruin _her_ time and she wasn't taking any risks after the Burger King incident.

"Of course sir" Walter responded as he let himself out.

Integra leaped up from her bed and sat at the end of the mattress. She reached underneath and pulled out the book she kept hidden there to continue reading:

 _I walked into the theater to find it completely empty aside from one person. Naturally, this person happened to be sitting in my favorite spot. So I did what any Good Samaritan would do. I held a gun to his head and politely asked him to "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SEAT YOU THUMB SUCKING FOUR EYES SHIT FOR BRAINS"._

 _He immediately stood up and ran out of the theater screaming for his dearly departed mommy, leaving behind the mountain of snacks he had purchased for himself. I sat down and took a sip of his drink before throwing it at the screens. Who the hell buys DIET coke anyway; of all drinks? The movie started and I quickly realized I was in the wrong theatre. No one in their right mind would buy a ticket to Alvin and the Fucking Chipmunks!_

"Alucard, you fucking dork," Integra exclaimed as she shook her head. Who in their right mind would go see Alvin and the Chipmunks? Who in their right mind needed to see any of those boring movies? With an immortal life he must have seen plenty of violence in the real world to accommodate any interests he may have.

"I swear you're entire mind has an aptitude for violence" she spoke aloud. It was peculiar however, how many similar incidents filled these pages. So this is how Alucard spends his time off. Fortunately he hadn't caused any real damage….yet

The next page read:

 _This year I went to South Carolina to buy some fireworks. Apparently they have the best in the world. Who knew? After "borrowing" five jets full of explosives, I proceeded to launch them out of the crown in the Statue of Liberty. But for some reason, the boyz in blue didn't like my festive display. They even called the army on me. I thought this was the day that everyone is American! They did come in handy though, I ran out of firework holders. One by one, the soldiers held on for dear life as they followed the lights up into the sky. That'll teach them to join Team Rocket._

 _The rain tasted particularly good that day, like a cherry slurpee._

Well that explains why she had to send men to discretely repair the national icon as well as pay off a hefty fee to American officials. The greedy scumbags. And all this because Alucard was bored.

Integra slipped a piece of paper out the back cover and added to her notes: _KEEP ALUCARD IN THE BASEMENET JULY 4_ _TH_ _, POSSIBLE BRIBERY NEEDED_

She continued on the next page:

 _Integra told me I don't know how to properly drive a car, so today I was sent to take a road test. When I arrived, a small white haired man got out of his car and greeted me. I immediately thought "you've gotta be shitting me, who does this arthritis driven Bernie Sanders wanna-be mother fucker think he is to tell me I can and can't drive." He wants to start slowly by pulling into a parking space, but come on. Where's the fun in that. I put the pedal to the medal and proceeded to play target practice, hitting every mailbox, street sign, and homeless person within my vampiric sight. The old man's screams of terror only heightened my sexual pleasure. And I know what you're thinking. No. I don't have a thing for short old men with a dick the size of a quarter. The sound of infidelity, however. Ohhhhhhh._

 _Anyway, I finally got to go on the freeway, taking about 7 fuck da police cars with me. They wanted to race, that was their first mistake. I play dirty. And not just in the bedroom. I blew the roof off the car and proceeded to shoot my bazooka into the hearts of every female driver I could see. The pileup caused a traffic hazard that has yet to be completely fixed, two years later. I stopped the car to admire my work and found the old shit dead in my passenger seat. Heart attack. My least favorite kind of death. Look on the bright side, I got a new license and free dinner out of this._

Integra's fists slammed on the bed tossing the book violently to the floor with a loud slam.

"THAT VAMPIRIC ASSHOLE!" she shouted, recalling him returning home smiling with driver's license in hand.

"You look unusually pleased this afternoon, how did it go?" she had asked.

"Smooth as lube, boss. Everything went just fine." Alucard said.

"Well you got the license, and I haven't received any unusual calls. Good job Alucard, I'd like to see more of this work in the future." she had congratulated him.

 _She congratulated him_ ;Integra shivered at the thought. If such an incident truly did occur, how could it not make the news? She may never be able to trust the vampire again.

She heard a loud rumble as someone rushed up the stairs.

"Is everything all right, Sir Integra?" Walter asked.

"I'm fine Walter, just releasing some frustration is all," Integra said. She quietly shuffled her feet towards the book to try and shove it under the bed.

"My dear what is that?" Walter asked; she was too late. Walter picked up the book; his eyes growing wide as he examined its contents.

"No, no. This won't do at all. You should relax Integra. Don't fill your head with this garbage while Alucard is gone."

"It's like he never left, Walter. His spirit haunts my career, and if nothing else I should take advantage of his absence to better prepare for dealing with him again." Integra said as she reached for the diary. Walter pulled the book away and took a step out of the room.

"I'll be disobeying your orders today, ma'am. Get some rest and I'll let you examine this tomorrow." Walter closed the door behind him and started down the stairs, his eyes glancing over the first few pages. "Fuck da rules, I'm immortal" Walter quoted from the first entry.

"A diary, how peculiar…." Walter's curiosity became peaked as he rushed to his own room.


End file.
